I was not on vacation. I just wasn't writing. Life simply got a-hold of me, and that is good. Except for this: I am not a multi-tasker, and am hard-pressed to hold attention on several things at once. I have worried a lot about this over the years. What is wrong with my brain? What is wrong with me?
Perhaps nothing is wrong. Perhaps what I have been taught is "letting balls drop" may really be having tried to juggle more than I can mentally handle in the first place. I should have recognized this a long time ago. The clues were always here, especially in my reading patterns. It was never enough to read one "Black Stallion" book. I had to read them all. And then it was not enough to read all the Black Stallion books. I had to read all of Walter Farley's other books, too. The Island Stallion. Sulky Colt. Even The Great Dane, Thor. Intense focus on one thing, sometimes to the seeming exclusion of others.
When I am performing, that's what I do. When I am teaching, that is what I do. When I was training dogs, that was the world. When I apprenticed to an herbalist, that was the world. And when other things come at me from the side, I have a hard time dealing with them. This could be a mighty mental discipline, a "being here now". It's not, alas. I wish it was. It's just me, being me. People pitch balls to me that I don't even see sometimes. I just hear the big clatter as they hit the floor!
The past month-and-change has graced me with some challenges, and some more challenges to the half-solved challenges, and it has been a rough Lent. But Easter is coming, is already here; light is very near. And so I rejoice, and praise God. And that is something I can do no matter what else is going on.
Because it's not another ball in the air. It is the air itself.
Self-knowledge, painful as it is at times, is always a good thing. Glad to see you back, as I do enjoy reading your very insightful reflections. A blessed Holy Week and joy-filled Eastertide to you.
Fr. Dan
Posted by: The Rev. Daniel Graves | March 26, 2010 at 02:18 PM
Was starting to worry about you...
Good to see you back.
Posted by: Petefergie | March 27, 2010 at 06:27 PM
Multitasking seems to be a common job requirement. I know that pretty much every single job I've held (including my current) has required it. I will say I'm good at it, but it has worn me down. I feel drained most of the time, like I'm on a ride that won't stop. I'm giving up drum corps this year because it's like having a job - a huge time commitment that requires multi-tasking. It's not fun anymore. Financial guru Suze Orman says one of the keys to her success is that she refuses to multitask.
Posted by: Reilly Tillman | March 30, 2010 at 03:19 PM
Our brain plays tricks on us at every moment. It successfully hides 99% of your capabilites from you. You think you are not a multitasker yet your brain is processing so much information that if you were conscious of it you would be overwhelmed at your true abilities. The number of operations it must perform just to keep you balanced and walking upright are multitudinous, and thankfully, beyond comprehension.
As far as conscious attention is concerned, your ability to focus on one thing is a much higher accomplishment than being scattered by many. The more distractions we can consciously exclude, the closer to God we become. That is why there is a spiritual aspect to the activities that you perform to the exclusion of all else.
Sensed your rough winter. Prayed for safe passage.
Posted by: Gerald | May 14, 2010 at 05:16 PM
Thank you for your thoughts and prayers, Gerald. Much obliged.
Blessings, Laurel
Posted by: Laurel | May 14, 2010 at 06:01 PM